IRL: Finding Realness, Meaning, and Belonging in Our Digital Lives
IRL is here!
Chris's second book, IRL, is out now, with an updated edition released on August 30, 2022. Buy the original or new edition today!
It's reflexive and common to view our online presence as fake; to see the internet as a space we enter when we aren't living our real, offline lives. But ever since the pandemic pushed more and more of our work, relationships, and even leisure into digital space, the internet doesn't feel so fake anymore. Every day, the lines between digital and "real" space blur even further. IRL explores what it means to be human in a time when we live more of our lives in front of a screen than ever before.
Praise for IRL
Hanif Abdurraqib, author of They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us and Go Ahead in the Rain“I am thankful for IRL, which fits into a line of texts asking important questions of the human need to be seen, to be connected, and to perform for a public. Chris Stedman is equal parts caring and indicting, and I hope this is a book that remains at the forefront of the discussion about our lives—digital and otherwise—for years to come.”
Alexander Chee, author of How to Write an Autobiographical Novel and The Queen of the Night“Chris Stedman’s newest book is a strangely prescient and timely guide to being more real digitally as we enter an era where we will need to be. His idea of digital life as drag has entirely reoriented my sense of self-presentation there, even as this brilliant book does more than that. By turns playful and wise, he makes us legible to ourselves and each other in new ways.”
Augusten Burroughs, author of Running with Scissors and Dry“At first, the premise of this book—Finding Realness, Meaning, and Belonging in Our Digital Lives—was of exactly zero interest to me because I’m too shallow and morally bankrupt to read any book with belonging and meaning in the title. However, I was unexpectedly riveted by Chris Stedman’s fascinating and surprising insights into authenticity both online and off, and I was especially moved by his vulnerability. I think so many people are going to relate to this work of memoir and cultural commentary, especially dismissive and judgmental people like me.”
Meghan O’Gieblyn, author of Interior States“IRL is a brilliant and captivating meditation on the complexities of identity in the digital age. Given the many polarized and one-dimensional debates about the merits of social media, Chris Stedman offers a refreshingly nuanced account of how digital spaces both satisfy and complicate the innate human need for community and recognition—particularly for a generation that can no longer find such fulfillment in religion or other traditional spaces. Written with earnestness and wisdom, IRL interrogates conventional binaries—the real versus the fake, the fleeting versus the lasting—and asks us to imagine our online lives as a frontier rich with possibility.”
Garrard Conley, author of Boy Erased“Chris Stedman’s IRL is full of insight and honesty, but its greatest achievement lies in furthering our vocabulary of what it means to be real. Taking its cue from queer performativity, this book is a much-needed addition to the conversation, providing the side of the story many think pieces ignore: that for many of us, our digital lives were where we first learned to live most fully.”
Sam Lansky, author of The Gilded Razor and Broken People“Chris Stedman’s IRL is a deft interrogation of how our increasingly digital lives have reshaped our sense of what’s real, within ourselves and around us. Drawing from equally deep wells of research and reflection, Stedman probes and provokes our expectations of our changing world, and how we fit in it. But as he mines his own experiences for insights and wisdom, Stedman also emerges as a winning storyteller, with a deeply felt and authentic story all his own.”
Briallen Hopper, author of Hard to Love“In this urgently needed book, Chris Stedman redefines realness, showing how vulnerability, intimacy, self-discovery, and deep connection can flourish in both our online and offline lives. IRL takes the shame out of our dependence on the internet, and helps us imagine new kinds of consolation and community for a fragmented and sometimes lonely world.”
Thomas Page McBee, author of Amateur“IRL is a personal, and often-poignant, investigation into what it means to be real in a digital age. In his writing and exploration, Chris Stedman embraces (rather than resists) the unity of opposite impulses that define our social lives online: critical engagement alongside mob mentality, surprising intimacies and algorithmic bubbles, selfies as vanity projects and selfies as spiritual opportunities. Reading this book made me think more deeply and ethically about the life I lead online and—relatedly, I now see—what it is to be human.”
Nick White, author of How to Survive a Summer and Sweet and Low“With IRL, Chris Stedman shares the vulnerable, and often harrowing, account of his search for how to be real in a messy, messy world. By reckoning with his own complicated relationship to social media, he ponders notions of community, friendship, heartache, and, above all, how to live a meaningful life. Filled with humane candor and clear-eyed prose, these pages show a brilliant mind at work on some of the thorniest issues today.”
Ana Marie Cox, culture critic and host of With Friends Like These“Chris Stedman brings a compelling combination of intimacy, vulnerability, irony, and brutal honesty to his search for what it means to be ‘real’ both in and out of virtual spaces. We’ve become more dependent than ever on the relationships we form online—and so we’re under more pressure than ever to integrate our identity in something consistent, forever ‘on-brand.’ His testimony opens a space for all of us to stop fetishizing discipline and false coherence and instead dig deeper into uncertainty and connection.”
Nick White, author of How to Survive a Summer and Sweet and Low“With IRL, Chris Stedman shares the vulnerable, and often harrowing, account of his search for how to be real in a messy, messy world. By reckoning with his own complicated relationship to social media, he ponders notions of community, friendship, heartache, and, above all, how to live a meaningful life. Filled with humane candor and clear-eyed prose, these pages show a brilliant mind at work on some of the thorniest issues today.”
Valarie Kaur, author of See No Stranger“How can we harness the internet in ways that give life, community, and meaning? Chris Stedman draws on his work as a fierce activist and trailblazing thinker to illuminate a path forward for us all. Weaving together powerful personal reflections and insightful research and reporting, Chris shows how the internet offers us an opportunity to approach the most central questions of life in new ways. This book is essential reading for understanding what it means to be human in our digital world.”
Dave Holmes, author of Party of One“It’s easy to dismiss social media as one hundred percent bad and destructive (as many of us do when we performatively quit it once a week) or to passively let it run our lives (as many of us do when we start our day by scrolling through it). It takes a wise person to find the good and edifying within it, to identify a constructive way to use and to think about it, to see it for what it is. Chris Stedman is that person, and we’re lucky to have his rational voice in these rancorous times.”
Dylan Marron, host of Conversations with People Who Hate Me and creator of Every Single Word“In IRL, Chris Stedman is getting after the real questions—and best of all, he’s not answering them for us, but encouraging us to ask them too. He’s a mapmaker charting intangible paths between the digital and physical realms, inviting us along to test out the pathways.”
John Paul Brammer, columnist and author of ¡Hola Papi!“I, like many of my millennial compatriots, spend a good chunk of my life online. What I’ve found is that the internet has its own language and foments unique relationships, which can be difficult to navigate and understand. Few are able to write as lucidly on that subject as Chris Stedman, whose prose and insights bring clarity to the muddled, often chaotic lifestyle of we, the ‘terminally online.’ With this book, Stedman writes eloquently on his own experiences to illuminate the core truths of the online dynamics we interact with every day while at the same time asking key questions: What is ‘authenticity?’ What is ‘real?’ I highly recommend it, and I think it will play an important part in shaping how we discuss online interactions moving forward.”
R. Eric Thomas, author of Here For It“I didn’t realize how much I needed this book! Chris Stedman’s perspective on humanness is so wise, vulnerable, and insightful. While the internet can bring us together and make us feel like we know strangers, true intimacy is a rare and magical thing. This surprising book possesses that magic and generously offers it to the reader.”
Nora McInerny, author of It’s Okay to Laugh and host of Terrible, Thanks for Asking“We contain multitudes. Seeing all of those multitudes spun together with a combination of personal memoir and academic interest kept me turning page after page…on my e-reader. Ultimately, Chris Stedman does for our digital worlds what he does for atheism—asks us to expand our thinking beyond just one thing or the other, good or bad, and see that we’re all of us…just real.”
Eboo Patel, author of Acts of Faith“Chris Stedman has done it again. This is a book of warmth and wisdom, a book about what it means to be human. It will expand your mind and comfort your spirit. I loved it.”
Cole Escola, actor and comedian“This is not some tired, shallow think piece about ‘How we’re on our phones too much.’ Chris Stedman writes from a very personal, empathetic place of genuine curiosity which inspired me to reflect on my own life online in ways I hadn’t thought about before.”
Reza Aslan, author of Zealot and God: A Human History“What does it mean to be real? This is the question that launches author and activist Chris Stedman on a personal and philosophical journey through the ways one which social media has changed our very sense of self. For the many out there who are perfectly comfortable with their curated identities online, but who have no idea who they are offline, this is the book for you.”
Kirkus ReviewsCan online platforms help us find true connection? Stedman is a natural guide to the complex world of digital tools that can help us map out our lives and teach us how to be human. . . A relevant investigation into what it means to be 'real' in virtual space [and] a handy user's manual for leading an online life full of meaning and connection.
The Society PagesIn IRL, Chris [Stedman] tackles big questions about what it means to be authentic in a world where so much of our social interaction is now taking place online. The book goes to deep places, but it doesn't burden the reader with an overly-serious tone. Instead, [Stedman] brings a lightness by blending memoir, interviews, and social science, all arranged in vignettes so that reading feels like scrolling through a carefully curated Instagram feed. . . A glowing example of what it means to think relationally about our own lives and the lives of others.
Library JournalStedman remains accessible as he places himself into this technological yet jargon-free narrative; anyone looking to learn more about digital culture and its impact on society will be interested in and able to follow the concepts the author puts forth.
Lauren Passell, Podcast: The Newsletter"Chris pulls us along on his search for the real Alex and Alice, all the while painting a memorable portrait of the very funny Alex that makes him seem alive."
Kellie Riordan, Pod SquadWhile it seems on the surface to be an is-it-her-or-not investigation, this tasteful podcast is more an unravelling of friendship, loss, grief, and the digital dustpiles we now all leave behind. Thanks to Stedman's qualifications as an academic on religion, this show navigates the moral conundrums of such an undertaking perfectly.